Vampyrate
02-08-2006, 02:26 AM
First: Sorry if I ramble, I have a lot on my mind that I need to get off. Mods, if you find this pointless in anyway, please delete. I'm not looking for pitty or anything, but I just have to get this out.
Okay, here it goes:
As you all have probably read, I have been having issues with my bank. With trying to deal with them and many other sources, I managed to get 1 of seven over draft fees taken back, but that still leaves over $200US to be disputed. With my current job as an RA on campus I make $170.90 every two weeks. That means in a month and a half, I will finally be making spendable money again. Sucks right? I know.
Well, las semester in school was no fun for me. I suffered a major drop in my grades (0.723 for the semester GPA). I had a full course load of 17credit hours and failed all but 3 classes out of 7. The reason you may ask is simple. The one person in the world that meant more to me than even myself passed away, my grandmother. She was having complications and died while in a Cleveland hospital. In a sense, I was relieved. In her 2 bedroom house, there lived 8 other of my relatives. There was only one bathroom, and my grandmother raised at least 20 children in that house (many of which were grandchildren and great nephews and nieces). Learning of this in September really affected me. I didn't tell anyone in my fraternity, no one back home (including Gena), and no one here on campus. I stopped going to many of my classes and lost all will to go on. I normally am neat freak when it comes to the condition of my living courters, and even now, my room is still a mess.
On top of that, when I thought that I was just about to move on, this bank issue happens where someone got into my account and stole money from me causing this huge drama. What a great year I guess. At least better than my first year in college, where my 2 best friends were killed in a horrific car accident after seeing one of the plays that me and a few others were in during my senior year of high school. It took me a year and a half to get over this loss for both were like brothers to me. To add more to this sad story, my dog was put to sleep the week of her birthday (August 27, 2004). She was battling cancer and showed no signs of pain until after I had left for school, or so my father told me. I guess this is one of the reasons why I love Gena so much, for she has had to put up with so many of my depressive ups and downs.
Well, on to more current issues. I'm really stressed out. I am again taking a full course load (18 credit hours this time) and am doing a lot more than I did last year in school. I'm in a high position in my fraternity, the marshall, and an RA. Every week my schedule is littered with meetings leaving only the weekends to actually sit down and do homework (or stay up late nights). I guess this all sort of works out though, for I have insomnia. Currently, I have been up for 52 hours and nothing seems to be working. I've tried Nyquil along with other nonmedicated sleep aids to no avail. Later today (Wed.) I have class from 8am until 4pm with meetings at 1pm and 9pm each lasting 1 to 2 hours. I tried sleeping many nights, but just end up staring at the ceiling or the wall or the clock. Well, I'm tired of just laying there with nothing to do.
So go ahead and label me as a whiny *****, or an emo kid. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I just want to sleep. Sure, on the outside I may appear to be some bright and happy "normal" person, but I'm not. I've tried going to doctors and the such, but the way that I was raised was that if you need to go see a professional for anything less than a phyical injury, you are weak, and there for not a man. Sure, that could go on to more and more on how I grew up in a emotionally neglected household, but I just don't see it that way. I am the youngest of six children (2 brothers and 3 sisters). My father is a Vietnam Veteran and runs a very militaristic family. Anything that happens in my household my mother turns a deaf ear and blind eye. But now that my father is nearing the end of his life, I feel that he is trying to "buy" his way into Heaven (if there is such a place) and constantly tells me over the phone how proud of me he is, and how much he loved me. He never said that when I was growing up. There were many times in my life where my mother did in fact have to break up near fist fights between me and my father, and there were times where I would stand over their bed at night with a knife or a gun and contemplate life without a father. In the past 5 years I've either thought of or attempted suicide at least a dozen or more times, but was too afraid to follow through. Looking back, I'm glad that I haven't because then I would never have the friends that I do today.
Everyday I feel as if more and more of me is dying inside. I know that I have all of you guys for support if I need it emotionally, and I thank you all and am forever indebted to you. Well I feel that I have wasted enough of your time and am sorry for such a long post, but I do feel slightly better that I have gotten this out of my system.
Okay, here it goes:
As you all have probably read, I have been having issues with my bank. With trying to deal with them and many other sources, I managed to get 1 of seven over draft fees taken back, but that still leaves over $200US to be disputed. With my current job as an RA on campus I make $170.90 every two weeks. That means in a month and a half, I will finally be making spendable money again. Sucks right? I know.
Well, las semester in school was no fun for me. I suffered a major drop in my grades (0.723 for the semester GPA). I had a full course load of 17credit hours and failed all but 3 classes out of 7. The reason you may ask is simple. The one person in the world that meant more to me than even myself passed away, my grandmother. She was having complications and died while in a Cleveland hospital. In a sense, I was relieved. In her 2 bedroom house, there lived 8 other of my relatives. There was only one bathroom, and my grandmother raised at least 20 children in that house (many of which were grandchildren and great nephews and nieces). Learning of this in September really affected me. I didn't tell anyone in my fraternity, no one back home (including Gena), and no one here on campus. I stopped going to many of my classes and lost all will to go on. I normally am neat freak when it comes to the condition of my living courters, and even now, my room is still a mess.
On top of that, when I thought that I was just about to move on, this bank issue happens where someone got into my account and stole money from me causing this huge drama. What a great year I guess. At least better than my first year in college, where my 2 best friends were killed in a horrific car accident after seeing one of the plays that me and a few others were in during my senior year of high school. It took me a year and a half to get over this loss for both were like brothers to me. To add more to this sad story, my dog was put to sleep the week of her birthday (August 27, 2004). She was battling cancer and showed no signs of pain until after I had left for school, or so my father told me. I guess this is one of the reasons why I love Gena so much, for she has had to put up with so many of my depressive ups and downs.
Well, on to more current issues. I'm really stressed out. I am again taking a full course load (18 credit hours this time) and am doing a lot more than I did last year in school. I'm in a high position in my fraternity, the marshall, and an RA. Every week my schedule is littered with meetings leaving only the weekends to actually sit down and do homework (or stay up late nights). I guess this all sort of works out though, for I have insomnia. Currently, I have been up for 52 hours and nothing seems to be working. I've tried Nyquil along with other nonmedicated sleep aids to no avail. Later today (Wed.) I have class from 8am until 4pm with meetings at 1pm and 9pm each lasting 1 to 2 hours. I tried sleeping many nights, but just end up staring at the ceiling or the wall or the clock. Well, I'm tired of just laying there with nothing to do.
So go ahead and label me as a whiny *****, or an emo kid. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I just want to sleep. Sure, on the outside I may appear to be some bright and happy "normal" person, but I'm not. I've tried going to doctors and the such, but the way that I was raised was that if you need to go see a professional for anything less than a phyical injury, you are weak, and there for not a man. Sure, that could go on to more and more on how I grew up in a emotionally neglected household, but I just don't see it that way. I am the youngest of six children (2 brothers and 3 sisters). My father is a Vietnam Veteran and runs a very militaristic family. Anything that happens in my household my mother turns a deaf ear and blind eye. But now that my father is nearing the end of his life, I feel that he is trying to "buy" his way into Heaven (if there is such a place) and constantly tells me over the phone how proud of me he is, and how much he loved me. He never said that when I was growing up. There were many times in my life where my mother did in fact have to break up near fist fights between me and my father, and there were times where I would stand over their bed at night with a knife or a gun and contemplate life without a father. In the past 5 years I've either thought of or attempted suicide at least a dozen or more times, but was too afraid to follow through. Looking back, I'm glad that I haven't because then I would never have the friends that I do today.
Everyday I feel as if more and more of me is dying inside. I know that I have all of you guys for support if I need it emotionally, and I thank you all and am forever indebted to you. Well I feel that I have wasted enough of your time and am sorry for such a long post, but I do feel slightly better that I have gotten this out of my system.